


why did you decide to say all those things if you didn't feel the same way as i do?

by shxdes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, dave is me, his name isnt mentioned at all during it i dont think, im bad at the kinds of stuff, it just makes me feel better to use him as a comfort-like character, its a story-vent thing now apparently, its mostly that one-sided thing but idk, johns in it yet but hes only talking, kinda like a break up, lol vent w dave fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 20:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11089533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shxdes/pseuds/shxdes
Summary: as much as i said all of those things towards youyou didnt want anything to do with mebecause you told me were only "best bros" and nothing moreyet why did you decide to say them back?





	why did you decide to say all those things if you didn't feel the same way as i do?

**Author's Note:**

> ha ok so I'm in a v sad mood rn and I thought of typing up my feelings in an otp I rly love  
> and john is someone I love dearly and dave is me so hha   
> sorry for the lack of works school has been really hectic lately and I just want to give out something   
> apologies in advance

You've told me you loved me countless times, and I kept playing it in my head to give a smile to my face.

 

" _Aw, Dave, I love you too!_ "

 

" _I love you very much! Don't forget that!_ "

 

Yet, why now, do you feel uncomfortable around me, like I said something wrong or carried a disease that is contagious and you want to stay away. When I say your name, you want to run, it's like you do not to talk to me anymore. It leaves me really confused onto why you decide to never talk to your _boyfriend_ , but.. I'm **not** , aren't I? Maybe I made up a fantasy world where you and I are together and nothing can separate us. In the real world, however, we are nothing more but good, _best_ friends.

 

" _Yeah, you're my friend! Best friend Dave!!_ "

 

For the first time in years, I felt my heart crack from those words you gave me. All those things you've told me, all the times you had said I was _cute_ or a _complete dork_ , were all lies and you only said them platonically. Didn't you? It's not like I cared, I never did either, yeah, sure we can be _best bros_ , we can keep that. Because I don't _care_ at all hearing that we are only _friends_ and not _lovers_. Since I do understand you have someone else in mind when you told me you had a crush on this one girl, I forgot who she was, since I wasn't paying attention. Only to your beautiful blue eyes that were like the ocean - that held waves in them and moved anytime you talked, or when you stare at something you are so interested in. You are so adorable. Those waves had always calmed me down.

 

Now when we speak, when I see them, I want to look away because I know I can never become lost in them like I did before.

 

**_You would know._ **

 

And I can't just say something completely stupid, because you could see I was staring into your eyes and everything I will say will lead to a lie. I do not want that, not at all. So instead, I admit and you would tell me I should stop because that's weird. _You enjoyed it then_. So I stopped to not make you uncomfortable anymore and you realized that when we talked I avoid eye contact with you, in fear of my favourite habit that had drain away from existence to us both, become a waterfall to make me drown in the ocean eyes once again. The eyes that I had learn to _love_ all those years.

 

Of course I'd think differently over a lot of things, because that's how I am. I think the worse out of everything. So maybe you said that and meant we _were_ best friends, but were together and the girl you told me about had liked, was someone you wanted me to get jealous of, and I completely ignored it. You wanted my attention, my fantasies and real life always get mixed together.

 

_So perhaps I thought you want me to get jealous, but it turns out you actually had a crush on that girl_.

 

You said you loved me though, you had pointed it out, you had complete use it around people and meant it romantically. I was so _happy_ hearing those beautiful words come out of your mouth, and I just want to hear your voice say them on repeat. Over and over again, because I felt so lucky to have you in my life. I was so glad to meet and talk to you, get to know you, become great _friends_ with you, until realizing it crumbled away and it left me in a building that fallen down from everything I had thought was true. _Nothing was._ And now certain words are things I learned to hate, maybe _friend_ could be one of them, so when someone says it, I think of you and how you said that we were only _best friends_. How you broke my heart so much that I dread to have people become my _fr_ _iends_ in fear of them saying and doing what you did, and completely mean it platonically when I thought we were _together_.

 

" _I'm sorry Dave, but I'm confused. What exactly do you mean?_ "

 

What do I mean? I mean that I love you with all my heart, not in that bullshitting _friend_ way. I mean it in a romantic, _I want to be your lover_ , way. I guess I can never get what I wanted, since knowingly it crumbles apart right before my very eyes. So, of course, I understand you're confused and not wanting to be with someone like me. Of course you don't want to be with a complete fuck up who cannot understand emotions or goes and thinks differently about something, that most likely means the opposite. You want to be with a real, public person. Who isn't afraid to talk about themselves and is open with feelings. Not someone who's secretive with theirs, hides them every single day, wants _no one_ to worry about them. Except _you_. I want you to know how I'm feeling all the time. I want you to hold me, tell me it's okay, tell me that I can be myself with feeling judged for being who I am. For being me, for even existing.

 

I know being with someone can never cure anything, but you make feel like a human being at some points, make me laugh, make me feel like I cannot wait to talk to you again! But, now I don't know what to think.

 

My heart is still sore from what you said, it has only been a couple of days. But I cannot face you. I don't want to face you. You do not want to talk to someone like me. So I give you what you want, I do not go and talk to you like a normal human being could, instead, I hide in my room. It makes me feel safer to know that I can hide in my own home without you hurting me more. I forgot about the computer I have in my room, and now I want to smash it to bits, I want to destroy it, I want it to no longer exist in my room, nor do I want my phone exist. Since it makes me remember you, it makes me see your blue text. I just want to not feel my aching hurt, collapse to the ground like I do every time I think of you. Or think of your interest, or find something you enjoy, or anything.

 

I know if I do that though, I won't be able to talk to my other friends other than _you_ , so I decide against it and talk to them all the time, to make me forget about you. Some decide to hurt me even more and talk about _you_. I hate it because I want them to shut up, I want them to shut up, shut up shutup shutupshutupshutup. Yet I listen and listen, and it makes me _fall deeper in love with you_ and I hatehatehate hate it so much. I want you to leave my mind, but I don't, because you made so happy. I love you to pieces, but you made me fall on those pieces and let blood soak through them, and let them stab my heart millions of times.

 

But I still continue to love you, even if you _might_ not feel the same way as I do and maybe you do and me, thinking differently about all of this, means absolutely nothing and we can be together like we've planned to all along. Or not and leave me in heartbreak for years to come.

**Author's Note:**

> this probably didn't make any sense but I'm not sure how to express my own emotions rly well so that's why it most likely seems hard to read  
> I do feel a little better though while its 3am  
> but still rly sad abt this whole thing


End file.
